Recently around these parts, we’ve been getting some complaints about how it’s been far too long since we’ve chronicled a food eating challenge and a demand for answers. Here’s the rub:

The very first time we wrote about a Food Eating Challenge (FEC), it was a a postmortem congratulations to a man named Oyster Boy. He’d consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses and he’d thrown the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-a-vis goring yourself for sport. We continued to chronicle them for reasons that don’t take Wall Street’s greatest minds to figure out: they’re fun and if they’re not mentioned on this here site well, it’s like they never happened. We are also big believers in positive reinforcement, and on the rare occasions in which you people actually succeed at completing the task at hand, we like to give you props (alternatively, we believe in the value of telling you that you suck and sicken us when you fail, because we care). Mostly, though it’s because they’re just fun. It’s fun to watch you gorge yourself for sport, and it’s fun for your colleagues to offer obnoxious running commentary throughout the event, especially so for that one massive jackass (you know who you are, and let me just say, you get it).

Having said that, you know what’s not fun? Being told so and so at such and such firm is about to attempt consuming two Munchkins in two hours, or something similarly easy and in no way a challenge. What’s worse is when he or she fails to do even that. So we said no more to covering these non-challenge challenges, to save you and ourselves from the embarrassment, secondhand and otherwise. Today, however, brings a shot at redemption you don’t want to pass by.

According to CNBC’s Kate Kelly, Dunkin’ Brands is planning an IPO for this summer. Could there be a better way to celebrate the event than a serious food eating challenge comprised of the items sold by DD? The answer is no, there couldn’t. As the underwriters of the deal, JPMorgan and Barclays should be the ones to step up to the plate but we’re happy to open the field to anyone who wants to participate, be it with an IPO day FEC or one sooner, as a pump up to the offering. Initial ideas that come include consuming ten dozen Munchkins in 30 minutes or the one of every single item on the breakfast menu, including donuts, coffee and sandwiches in 90 minutes but feel free to get creative.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Are you the employee of an investment bank with offices in Japan? Last week, after the biggest earthquake in nearly a hundred years occurred, which was just the start of the fun, did you try and get out of a country that might be on the precipice of a nuclear meltdown? Which is to say, did you act like a total pussy? We have a message from one of your colleagues. He wants you to know that there’s no reason to worry about being “ostracized” for leaving. Such a thing would be patently ridiculous. Having said that, you are all a bunch of pansies who will be reminded of that fact as soon as you return.

One foreign investment banker in Tokyo says he wasn’t surprised that so many employees left. “We don’t hire people into the financial industry to risk their lives—this is investment banking and we hire investment-banker types,” he said. “We are trying to avoid ostracism for those who come back—there is no upside in that—but there is good-natured hazing.”

Does this sound like someone you work with? If so, can you let us know if the “good-natured hazing” is something along the lines of being forced to get down on your knees in a $3,000 suit while listening to Cher’s “Do you believe in life after love” for every minute you were out of the country or more like being forced to press your head against one of those nuclear reactors for the same period of time?

Ex-Pats In Japan Tiptoe Back To Work [WSJ]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Time was, when bonus season rolled around, you could count on the discontent, the grumbling, the “this isn’t fair,” the “fuck you, you overpaid jerks,” and the “I’m going to do something crazy in defiance” coming from places far, far away from Wall Street. Sure, some people might have been upset about their particular numbers but on the whole, there wasn’t a lot of ‘us’ versus ‘them’ going on on the inside. This year, as we’ve discussed at length, bonuses at banks (hedge funds and private equity are doing just fine) will for the most part be fairly crummy (those getting flat numbers year-on-year are among the lucky). Of course, some people will be on the receiving end of enough zeros to make them smile– such as the top earners, who made the firm money– and this time around it’s their colleagues telling them to go to hell.

Annual bonuses at top global banks are causing ructions that could drive a outsized round of defections as weaker profits and tougher rules widen the pay discrepancy between star performers and everybody else. “The differentiation this year between a small number of top-fee earning investment bankers and the bulk of their colleagues will be unlike ever before,” said a top Asia executive at a large investment bank. “The tail end will be significantly hurt.”

What’s the tail end going to do about it?

Quit, supposedly!

“The ratings of individual bankers is getting tougher, so the tailend of the bank is getting longer. There are now a lot of strong bankers in that tailend, who will get zero bonus and decide to leave,” said an executive director at a large investment bank…Executives, analysts and industry professionals say the 2010 payout will be transformative for the industry…spurring an [exodus] that could have a lingering impact on the sector.

So, yes, that’s what “experts” are claiming will happen but will it really? Where are these people exiting to? Other banks? Hedge funds? Some place safe and warm, like a be-fleeced bosom in Stamford? Non-financial services jobs? Or are they just going to piss and moan like impotent pricks and then bend over and take it up the tail pipe? Do weigh in.

Banker Bonuses Spur Discontent [Reuters]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

According to McCrudden’s broker registration form, the guy who would go on to accuse CFTC officials of being “corrupt midget mother fuckers” and threaten to murder them also had some issues with colleagues prior to starting his own firm.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

How many times have you said to yourself, “I’m just doing the Wall Street thing for now- one day I’m going to quit this shit and do something that fulfills me- like brew moonshine”? Probably so many that your colleagues, friends, and family are sick of hearing about it. You’ve never actually done it because you’re weak or scared or haven’t yet found the perfect recipe. Unlike former portfolio manager Ed Tiedge, who in 2008 was faced with a choice– look for a new gig on the Street following the implosion of his firm or quit the biz to live out his dream of distilling vodka and gin with hints of things like honey, juniper berries, rose petals, lavender, galangal, and orange peel. He went with the latter and will perhaps inspire you to brew that first batch of illegal sauce today.

[CBS via BI]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

If there ever were a time to question everything Wall Street does, this is it. As one of the top performing fund managers of the past 20 years, Gary Kaminsky’s learned a thing or two about sidestepping conventional wisdom to beat the Street at its own game. In his book, Smarter than the Street, Kaminsky, the cohost of CNBC’s “The Strategy Session,” shares the secrets that have made his colleagues millions, even billions, of dollars. These proven techniques are not exclusive to Wall Street’s high rollers. And by following Kaminsky’s investing system, you can make money even in zero-growth markets.

Become a Fan! Click here to Friend Gary on Facebook and to get his latest tips, advice, and announcements.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

So! You’re an employee of Goldman Sachs and you want to date, mate or just rub up against one of your colleagues. In the wake of last week’s lawsuit by three woman against the bank, one of whom cited an incident several years back wherein a co-worker gave her an unsolicited groping after a company outing to Scores, there may be some confusion re: what’s consider cool and not cool by management. The great news is that no one at GS is looking to outright playa-hate. According to Heidi Moore, all the higher-ups ask is that you loop them in at the first stirring in your pants so they can evaluate on a case by case basis.

It’s a God that requires frequent confessionals, as one senior banker there explains: “There is a culture at Goldman which is very strong and clear, which is: it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you own up to them right away.” The firm’s dating protocols—by all accounts little-known—don’t ban dating within the firm but instead require employees to disclose their relationships to their direct manager, who can contact what one alum wryly calls “ the inappropriate-behavior SWAT team.”

For instance, the Managing Director who initiated a make-out session with a female underling in view of a bunch of colleagues last year? Nobody felt the need to tell ole LB about it and while neither party got the boot, the MD had his bonus cut by 25% for “bad judgment.”

If Lloyd had been read into the situation, all he probably would’ve done was congratulated the tongue slipper on a grade A piece of meat, unless he thought the kissing was going to set off a situation in which a crazy significant other is showing up at GS wanting to bust some skulls and Gary Cohn’s barricading the doors while Lloyd talks him down from the ledge.

Goldman’s favorite option, however, is just to separate people and ship them off to other divisions. In another case, a married partner had a consensual affair with a younger female banker who had a long-term boyfriend. It was consensual, that is, to all but her boyfriend and his wife, who eventually compared notes and created a ruckus. The partner was finally shipped off to another continent.

In most cases though, Lloyd et al are all for seeing love bloom. Who doesn’t love a good wedding? Come on.

A prominent former Goldman Banker, got married twice to fellow Goldmanites. She dated her first Goldman husband for three years as they sat right across from each other. Later, after they were divorced, she decided to take a break from the firm; when she came back to work for Peter Matthias on consulting for Stephen Friedman and Bob Rubin, she met her current husband. Each time, she says, Goldman higher-ups were supportive of the relationships.

The Dating Rules At Goldman [TDB]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Has the financial crisis taken a toll on your drug usage? Fuck no, says recently released data. While only 2 percent of the finance industry failed drug tests last year, according to a firm that screens around 270 shops, versus 3.6% of all workers, those numbers are merely reflective of the fact that most finance gigs will only make you piss in a cup as a new hire, and not on a random Wednesday, several hours off your last bender [wipes brow]. Once you’re in, it’s highly unusual for HR to get up in your face about whether or not that was you blowing rails off the head of IR’s ass in the conference room. And speaking of preferences, what are the drugs of choice among the using set these days?

According to Brad Lamm, president of New York-based Intervention Specialists, there’s been a “surge in…crack and coke” but weed is really what your colleagues are going for, jumping 64% to 80% from 2007 to 2009 among those failing tests. Also trendy? Sullying the good name of Pez.

Among existing employees, psychologists and counselors says that drug abuse has not slackened. Some even says it is peaking, exacerbated by the credit crisis and the volatile and tenuous recovery that has ensued. Seabrook House, a 24-bed luxury rehab facility in Pennsylvania, has been crammed with Wall Street refugees in recent months, according to Clinical Director William Heran. They are paying $24,000 for a three-month program to get clean. Mr. Heran has been around long enough to discern a forex trader from an M&A banker. “We’re in crisis mode,” he says. “Many of these drugs are so accessible to the average person, let alone the person who is well-spoken and professional.” He says the rage these days is a Pez dispenser with the head of a red devil. Inside? Pills of Oxycodone or Percocet.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

So, I’m not one to crow about my achievements but today I must make an exception. As you know, it was exactly a week ago that I headed out to Stamford, CT to perform my due diligence on Beamers Cafe ahead of our yet to be scheduled field trip. It was there that my colleagues in the field and I met one of the establishment’s employees, who very graciously gave us the low-down on how business has been faring in these tough times. Though the Cafe continues to be patronized by bank and hedge fund employees and tips have remained stable, she told us, as you might expect, that three years ago business was booming and they were turning people away at the door. So what happened yesterday made me giddy beyond belief. At around 5 I was going about my business, doing whatever it is I do all day when my phone rang. Not recognizing the number, I picked up with caution. The conversation started out like this:

Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Bess?”
Me: “Yes…?”
Caller: “It’s Gianna!”

Gianna! Our noted gal-pal! After I apologized for somehow not having her number saved (“Well, you were pretty drunk,” she said, which was true), she proceeded to tell me that all “the girls” read the Beamers review, as did their bosses, and that they loved it so much it’s been posted in their break room. Obviously this gave me a warm fuzzy feeling but it did not compare to what she told me next. “Every night since you wrote about us tons of new guys have come in,” G said. “On Monday a whole pack of UBS and hedge fund guys showed up and said they decided to come after reading your story.” Apparently the entire back room has been rented out for tonight (“which never happens and I don’t know if it’s because of you but it might be”) and, she said, “It feels like it used to…I think you brought us back!”

Do you people have any idea how good this feels? I take great pleasure in making you laugh and perhaps brightening your days via fleece and dick jokes but this– this whole directly helping others in a tangible way– is AWESOME. I have been grinning from ear to ear yesterday. I made a difference– I SAVED BEAMERS! And because I really don’t want this to be a fluke I’m asking you to please, patronize the hell out of this place. Go there at lunch. Go there after work. A friend says, “You wanna get a drink tonight?” you say “Yeah, let’s hit up Beamers.” Bring clients. Bring colleagues. Bring the parents. Bring the kids. Bring the Stevie. CT residents, non-CT residents, I don’t care JUST GO and tell ‘em Bess Levin sent you.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

To research his role in Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, Shia LaBeouf spent a good deal of time at John Thomas Financial, an Encino branch of Charles Schwab and Goldman Sachs. It was there he learned how to stick $20,000 in an online brokerage account and turn it into $450,00-ish in a matter of months, wow the shit out of Lloyd Blankfein in the 47th round of interviews, and insider tips for passing Level I of the CFA. You know what he never did? Ask any of the guys he was shadowing about their feelings. Same goes for Penn Badgely, who spent some time on the Citi trading floor to prep for his role as a junior analyst in Margin Call (where he learned that “young traders sport ‘nice clothes that were not terribly tailored’ and that that the term ‘bucks’ means millions”). That’s because these two whippersnappers only care about the surface. They’re not interested in drilling down to the person underneath that suit and the fifties still stuck to your ass from the weekend. One guy who is? Kevin Spacey. He cares, deeply.

“I am trying to humanize bankers,” said Kevin Spacey, the Academy Award-winning actor, who plays a senior trader in Margin Call. “Everyone talks about facts, figures and debt. I was more interested in what they were feeling.”

Some of his deepest insights, he said, came from conversations with senior Wall Street bankers and traders. During the discussions, he asked: “What was it like to be at a friend’s wedding, or a bar, when you knew that the whole house of cards was about to collapse?”

“I listened with some degree of surprise about the weight of having knowledge that others don’t, how that shifted relationships — what guys couldn’t even tell their wives at the height of the turmoil,” Mr. Spacey said. Many of the traders, he discovered, were angry about some decisions that helped assure the survival of their firm but also destroyed longstanding bonds of trust between them, their clients and their colleagues.

Some of Spacey’s empathy may come from the fact that he, too, knows what it’s like to destroy the trust of a client and colleague and lose, if not billions, thousands of dollars in one fell swoop. Of course, it’s not all feelings that’ll go into making this flick. It’s important that the actors truly know their trade, so if anyone thinks they can get Demi Moore up to speed (she accepted the role of chief risk officer right before shooting started, leaving “less time for extensive research), the help would be greatly appreciated.

Kevin Spacey Film Explores Humanity On Wall Street [NYT]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker