Getting out of town for the long weekend? If you’re traveling by plane, perhaps we should take a moment to review a couple of items the FAA is not cool with you stashing in your carry-on. Gulf-clubs. Cattle prods. Regular-sized bottles of shampoo. Gel-type candles. Guns. Yes, guns! It’s pretty wild but they’re still not letting people bring them on planes. If this comes as a shock, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone- it’s a crazy rule one Deutsche banker was unaware of, as well.

Shen Yan, head of North Asia institutional clients group of Deutsche Bank, was arrested at Hong Kong airport last week after a gun was found in his luggage, the sources said. Yan had been granted bail and was charged by the Hong Kong police, said the sources who asked not to be identified.

According to a spokesperson for DB, “this is a personal matter for Mr Yan and has nothing to do with Deutsche Bank,” which has put him on a time-out until “the matter is resolved.”

Senior Deutsche Bank banker nabbed for carrying gun at HK airport [Reuters]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Things that could SAVE YOUR LIFE.

First off, let us just say that hopefully none of you ever find yourselves in a situation wherein you have to defend yourself from being shot on the job. Having said that, you probably have at least of few colleagues who can’t be completely ruled out on going postal one afternoon, co-workers who have a knack for pissing people off and/or a boss whose net-worth makes him and his staff good hostage candidates. Preventative measures (a receptionist who keeps an AK-47 in her bra) can only go so far and if the shooter is already in the building, perhaps at his desk on the trading floor, you’ve got a situation probably few know how to deal with. Luckily, the NYPD has put together a handy list of tips should the guy or gal who sits 10 feet from you be easily set off.

Tip #1 “Avoid the shooter and evacuate immediately.”

Tip #2 In the event fleeing the scene is not possible, your best “Plan B” is to “hide behind a filing cabinet.” According to a study, “cubicle partitions provided no protection from bullets or shotgun pellets, and desks were little better. But file cabinets stopped bullets from a .38-caliber Smith & Wesson, a 9mm Glock and a shotgun. Only bullets from an AK-47 passed through.”

Tip #3 Consider “barricading and hiding in a predetermined safe room,” where you should “silence your cell phone” and remain quiet.

Tip #4 As a last resort “try to take the gunman down.” The NYPD recommends confronting him “with physical force as quickly and as aggressively as possible,” using “pens, staples, chair legs, anything you can get your hands on, as an improvised weapon.”

Filing Cabinets Provide Best Protection If You Can’t Escape A Workplace Shooter [NYP]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

The Acela-rider should take note– starting in December, it’s okay to board the train packing heat.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

So far, just one that we know of, though that doesn’t mean more aren’t waiting to come out of the woodwork.

“A photograph on www.maximonline.ru shows red-haired Chapman dressed in nylon and lace and posing with a handgun. ‘Anna Chapman has done more to excite Russian patriotism than the Russian soccer team, wrote Maxim. The photographs and an interview with Chapman will be in the next issue of Maxim, which has included Chapman in its list of Russia’s 100 sexiest women.” [Reuters]

Related: Russian Spy Did Not In Fact Lie On Her LinkedIn Profile Re: Employment At Barclays

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Looking for a new gig (or a gig period)? Disheartened by the dearth of openings in the industry at the moment? Itching for the chance to get all up in UBS’s face? If you’re under 37, in “prime physical condition” and can shoot a gun, the IRS wants you for its Criminal Investigation Divsion, which is now hiring. [FINS]

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

Be it for protection on the floor, where he really needs or just, you know, wherevs. You can’t take this from him!

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker

When Kevin Dillon started working for JPMorgan in March 2008 as a “client processing specialist,” everybody liked him just fine. Better than fine, in fact. He was praised by his superiors, he received glowing reviews and in just a few months time, he was slated to receive a bonus and a promotion. This was all, however, before he filed a report citing “highly questionable accounting and management practices” at Highland Capital Management LP and recommending that JPM cease “facilitating Highland’s improper practices.” In doing so, Dillon was forcing his bosses to make a decision re: how to deal with the findings. They could 1) follow his suggestion and cut the hedge fund loose or 2) acknowledge the findings and decide to do nothing about them. In this case, Dill’s bosses decided to go with the second option, telling him they were “aware of Highland’s improper practices [but] that nothing would be done to remedy the issue.”

As I’m sure many of you know, however, when you’ve got a situation like a Kevin Dillon situation, it does not end there. Because if there’s one thing I’ve found in my multiple decades long career on Wall Street is that a guy like Dillon is gonna be trouble. He won’t just accept your decision to look the other way, which is admittedly annoying but something you can deal with if you’ve got the skills or someone coaching you from the sidelines (me).

First off, you can’t fire a Dillon-type straight-away, because it’ll be too obvious. This is something that requires a more subtle touch. You will want to, of course, make work life unpalatable for the employee in question, so taking away his bonus, promoting incompetents over him and offering negative but purposely vague reviews is a given. That’ll go a long way in psyching out said problem employee. But if you really want to break him…if you really want to leave your mark…if you really want to, in the event this thing ends up a lawsuit, make a name for yourself, give the readers something to aspire to and have people say “that guy may be a whack-job and potentially a racist but he knew how to deal with people,” you’ll try something like this.

In addition to the retaliatory action, Dillon cites two examples of “alarming behavior” by his supervisor. In one instance in 2008, the supervisor told Dillon he needed to clean “the mess” that was created by an African-American employee “who the supervisor admitted was hired primarily to combat adverse fallout from previous racial and sexual discrimination suits brought against the defendant because of the supervisor’s acts,” according to the lawsuit.*

In another instance, the lawsuit details how his unnamed supervisor allegedly discussed with Dillon the “wide array of guns he possessed and described to (Dillon) the violent acts he would commit if anybody crossed him or his family,” according complaint.

This is just a blueprint of course, feel free to put your own spin on it in whatever way feels natural. For those of you unimaginative fucks who need me to do everything for you, one idea, if you’re going to test out the gun scenario on a colleague today, is to do it wearing a purple jumpsuit and start off with something along the lines of “Let me tell you something, pendejo. You see this piece? You pull any of your crazy shit with us, I’ll take and I’ll stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes ‘click’.” But I encourage you to test out all kinds of things and let us all know how it goes.

JPMorgan Employee Fires Whistleblower Lawsuit [GT via BI]

*Can the name of this guy who not only tried to (hilariously) intimidate someone by showing them his gun collection but b) also apparently got pawsy with the ladies PLEASE, for the love of god, have his name released? Otherwise we’re just going to be forced to come up with the contents of him sexual discrimination cases on our own.

Article courtesy of Dealbreaker